#11 Bannock

If you know a Red person who doesn't like bannock - they're crazy. My friend Mo' doesn't like bannock but she likes fry bread, so really she's only half crazy.

First, where did the bannock we all know and love come from? There are two schools of thought on this.

1. Bannock came from Scottish (white) people. (I believe this one.)

2. Bannock, or a form of, was made by Red people prior to contact, from tree root flour. (In my experience tree roots are not very tasty.)

Let's all pretend you agree with me.

Bannock was invented and brought to Canada by the Scottish. It is a variety of quick flat breads and is a cousin of the scone (HEEEY CUZZIN!) Scottish Bannock, also known as Selkirk Bannock, is soft and spongey and made from wheat flour. WHO KNEW?? Apparently the honest and historically accurate folks over at Wikipedia knew this [rolls eyes.]

I like to say "Bannock: Invented by the Scottish, perfected by the Cree." I don't know if this is true but isn't it fun to say that? Give it a try. Now go tell a Scot. >) Mostly I think that the Cree just make everything better...babies for example, ours are cuter than most!

Bannock, much like bologna (and babies), can be made in many ways. Let's stick to bannock making though;
You can bake it, deep fry it in oil, fry it in a pan on a stove or over a fire or wrap it around a stick and cook it over an open fire to name the most common methods.

The recipes are just as plentiful.
The regular way- white flour, lard, baking powder and water.
The fancy way - throw in some raisins.
The really fancy way - raisins AND cinnamon!
The Cree-talian way - with garlic and oregano.
The health conscious way - with whole wheat flour and olive oil.
The Shepard's bannock [pie] - stuff it with mashed potatoes, peas and hamburger.
There's much more. But let's move on.

What about fry bread bannock you ask? (Or you may be asking what is fry bread bannock?)
It's bannock mixed without the lard, rolled out and cut into squares and then deep fried in oil. The Metis slapped claims to this, that's probably why Mo' is down with it, being half crazy Metis and all. The best way to eat fry bread is to make an "Indian Taco." You get a big peice of fry bread, then layer on chilli, cheese, lettuce, onions, tomatoes, salsa and sour cream (Uh yeah, it's just a regular taco on fry bread.)

Why do we like bannock?
Because it's easy! Flour, lard, baking powder, salt, water. Done.
It's portable and storable. You can mix all the dry ingredients (lard too) and store for 2-3. Just add water and voila, bannock!
It's versatile! You can add just about anything to it. Put some jam, butter or honey on top. Dip it in soup, stew or chilli. Make sandwiches. And as we've learned there are many ways to cook it.
It's cheap. Relatively speaking. It's cheaper than buying Wonder Bread (something else we like!)

Is bannock spiritual?
Now, I can't speak for the Wan-na-be tribe...maybe they have bannock gods, I dunno. But for me, my family, and every other Red person I've met, bannock is not anymore spiritual than any other food that we intake. So, cutting it with a knife is fine, if you like gummy ole bannock. But when it's fresh and hot, just rip off a hunk and dunk it in your tea.

# 11 Slang...boy!

I'm going to tell you about slang (mostly what kind we use, and teeny bit about why we like it).

Let's start with the two most obvious: Red and Rez.

Red describes a person who is of [insert your preferred Red people synonym] descent. If you didn't catch on to that by now you need a slap upside the head - Granny style. I use this because it's less confusing than:
Indian, having to explain dot or feather is tired.
Native American, first all people born in the Americas are native to it, second American typically describes someone from the USA.
Aboriginal, often confused with Aborigine, typically used in Canada and is an umbrella term for Metis, First Nation, and Inuit.
First Nation, implies there is a second nation and is a word used predominately by Red and non Red bureaucracies to describe band status holding Red people.

Rez is an Indian Reservation where some Red people dwell. Often referred to as "The Rez" but is not the official name of "A" Rez.

That was easy...let's get specific.

My Rez has some of the best slang I've ever heard (and I'm not being biased, I've been to my share of Rezes and to say the least, we know what's up.)

First, shortening words is for amateurs. All color groups do it, we're not special in that way...so making reservation into "Rez" really isn't all that original. However, the way the shortened version is used is interesting. I would never walk into The Keg and say, "Hi, Rez for Space Cowgirl."

Second, making up new words is easy too. "Foof." That's not a word! It means, "F*ck off, you're bullshitting." It's roots are in F*ck, hence the F and "Poof" as in smelly or stinky, much like bullshit (I'm guessing here, I've never actually smelled a bull's shit.)

Third, giving existing words new definitions is not new either. One word with two or more definitions is called a Homonym (if you think I'm lying to you here's where you would say "Foof.") One of these homonyms include; tight as in cheap or good looking. "That guy is TIGHT!" This is also generational. If someone called me "tight" I would be offended, because I'm a pretty generous person. But if someone called my 13 year old cousin tight, she would probably have a hickey a few minutes later.

Fourth, combining words. I'm sure all people do this. But none so much as us and definitely not more than my home Rez. Here's my favorites:
"Okaso!" means "OK, so?" as in "OK, I heard you. But so what?" and
"'Sif!" means "As if!"
"What're" means "What are" as in "What are you talking about?"
"O'er'der" means "Over there."
"You'se" means more than one you, as in "What are you two people talking about."
"K'den" means "Okay then"
"S'kiddin'" means "Just Kidding."
A Red gal once told me that she always knows people from my Rez because of the way we combine our words - it sounds like we're singing. Awww isn't that nice? I just thought our tongues were to lazy for enunciation.

Fifth, Rez specific slang.
K'atl'odeeche (Holla!) says, "How rude!" It started in the early 90s and it just kept going. It's not really slang, but it specific to them. And they use it when people are not being particularly rude...weird. (If you're from K'at, here's where you would say "How rude!")

Lil Sask (What's up!!), says "AH WAH!" usually in response to something someone said, "F*ck off, you're lyin'" or something that is stupid or funny, "Wow! That was stupid/funny."

Peguis (heck yeah, Peguis!) has "Saaaaaaaaaaaaay!" ("no way!" and/or "I think you're lying.")
Person 1: "I won $2000 at bingo last night."
Person 2: "Saaaaaaaaaaaaay!
Person 1: "Honest!" (this may be the stupidest conversation I've ever heard.)

That area also OWNS, "cheeky," pronounced chee-KAY and "boy."In Peguis boy is used at the end of the sentence, where in Fisher River (Fish'r Riv!!)  it is used at the beginning.
Peguis: "You're ever cheeky, boy."
Fisher River: "Boy, you're ever cheeky."

Sixth, words that sound like swears, but they're not,
Heckin' (F*ckin')
Cupcake and Fox Lake (F*ck sake)
Bass Fish (Bastard)
Ninpow (F*ck You)
Fudge (F*ck)... ya get the idea.

Seventh, a quick dictionary for you.
Cheeky, someone is rude and smart mouthed. "Yer a cheeky one aren't ya?"
Crabbid, someone who is cross, harsh, cynical, sour or bitchy. "TMF is just crabbid today!"
Bii, someone who is a bitch. "Darcy is a Bii!"
Snag, hit on and subsequently pick up someone you may or may not be attracted to. "Guess I'll go snag this weekend."
Ole, used to describe anyone who may or may not be old. "Ole Shy Bob was at the store today."
Errrrr, used to describe something disgusting. "Errrr! 'Sif I'd snag Ole Shy Bob!"
Rezzy, something unique to a rez.
Teepee Creeper, someone who plays the field (a male or female in charge of their sexual prowess.)
Wan-na-be, a fictional tribe used to categorize a non red person who wants to be Red and usually claims their great-great-great-great grandmother was a Cherokee princess *roll eyes*
Apple, someone who is red on the outside but white on the inside.
Indian Time, typically describes being late. But will get you in trouble from elders if you use it, because Red people were usually early or arrived precisely when they meant to.
Bannock Bum, someone who has a flat bum.
Bannock Bunny, someone who snags at pow wows.
Puck Bunny, someone who snags at hockey games.

Finally, my favorite, incorporating Red language words into English conversation.
You've all heard "Weenuk." There is the real definition and the definition we let people think is real. The definition we let you think it is, is penis. There. Now you know. Go forth and use it, so we can laugh at you.

Shamaganis - means cops. As in "Duck! It's Shamaganis!" or Boogieman...which is funny. Cops, boogeyman... same thing right?

"Weetigo"- is also used for boogieman.

Neechi. It means friend. It's a term of endearment when used by other Neechis. Not to be used by non Neechis... just like another N word we know, right?! Unless you're referring to Neechi Foods, in which case stop reading this and go get me some raisin fry bread!

So, why do we like slang? There are several reasons, most of which are not specific to Red people.
It's cultural, as we've learned slang is specific to many places. Which means people from a specific place learn it from birth or new people are socialized to it. Therefore it makes all people unique. Which really doesn't make anyone unique considering all people have some form of slang...where's my fry bread??

# 10 Clean Floors

Remember the white socks? Here's where you can learn more about their second use.

If you ever visit a Red person's house chances are there is a mop pail full of clean water with some highly fragrant pine scented cleaner right beside the door. This serves one purpose...to clean the floor (duh! you thought it was something amazingly brilliant right?)

Picture this; You're getting ready for an important event, you've even planned your wardrobe, whether that be your best sweats or something that requires ironing, it's up to you how you define important attire. Anyway, you put on a pair of fresh clean white socks (chances are you're going to a social) and walk to the kitchen for a cup of Rez coffee when...

You step in big ole wet spot staining your perfect white sock. "%&#($*@!" Yup. We've all been there. You tear off your sock and chuck it across that floor, grab that mop sitting right there by the front door and angrily and hurriedly clean up that mess following it down the hall to the living room, where you find your kid (or man) standing in a puddle. Maybe they wet themselves or maybe they brought it on their shoes, details aren't important here. What is important is that your perfectly clean white sock is now a sopping mess that's going to require some Javex and now you have to forget the coffee and run around looking for another sock. To your dismay all you can find is a black pair, and you'll be the laughing stock at The Stock. People will be thinking about how dirty your floors must be why you have to wear black socks - seriously...that's how we judge if you're a good housekeeper or not.

With kids running around, people dropping in, men (not being sexist, just being truthful) walking across the floor with their muddy/snowy boots, and people trekking things up and down the house; our floors are bound to get messy. But all of that doesn't matter, because it is up to you to keep that floor clean. As a Red person, you will have visitors popping in and if they're Red people they WILL be wearing white socks. When they leave they will get home and look at the bottom of their feet. If their white socks are no longer white they will tell their friends about how to they had to wash their socks - twice before they got clean again...meaning your floor must never have been cleaned a day in its life!

It's true, they will talk about it. Because that's what we do, we gossip.

# 9 Visiting

Visiting is when Red people consume the most Rez coffee. If visiting was an Olympic sport it would be dominated by the Red people of the world but it would be an event in the summer games. Here's why I figure that...Historically, most Red people were semi-nomadic peoples, in the winter we broke up into our smaller family groups, but come summer we we're all together at our summer camps. That's why summer is prime time for visiting. And that's why we can visit all day, for days on end and never get sick of all our relations stopping in unannounced.

Why it works for us:
1. Our kids have someone to play with. They're out of our hair and not fighting each other all because our visitor brought their kids along.
2. You have someone who will share the load. Visitors will help you fold laundry while chit chatting, they'll appropriately discipline all the kids when they're being crazy and they'll catch you up on gossip, (or they'll make you feel important because you have all the gossip.)
3. They'll get their oldest to watch all the younger ones so you can go out for a couple hours.
4. They bring random people with them, which means you can get your nosey on! That's exciting! You get to meet people who you've either only heard about or seen at the Northern Store - and you can totally ask them all about their lives because they're in your house.

But visiting is not all fun and games, there is a certain etiquette.

Here's some guidelines:
1. Always have a pot of coffee ready to go - even if it's 40 above and the big plastic spoon on the wall is melting.
2. Have some food. At the very least have something for a sandwich like bologna and bannock. Hey! You've got a houseful of kids to feed.
3. Give the visitor's kids some sugar. Be warned, this means your kids will whine 'till you give them something sugary too. But now you have the perfect excuse to send them all outside until one of them cries.
4. Go tie up your dogs, you don't want to have to shoot one if it bites some kid.
5. Keep a mop pail full of clean water by the door just in case you hear someone getting out of their car. You can pretend you were just washing the floors....

# 8 Coffee

Yup, coffee. But not in the way other people like coffee.

First, Red people are not allowed to drink coffee until we're 18. You can't tell me that I'm the only who got a smack upside the head for sneaking a sip from my mom's cup "It'll stunt your growth, don't cha know!"

Second, we liked it the minute we tried it. The smell is what got us first THEN the taste. Third you may not want to see us before we've had our first cup of morning coffee, or our second, or our 10 am coffee, or our noon coffee, our afternoon break coffee our after work coffee, our 8 pm tv watching time coffee, the 10 pm (sometimes with a smoke) coffee and if it's the weekend our midnight and later coffee.

And finally, we don't care if it's from Starbucks, Second Cup, Tim Horton's, or heck even Chicken Chef...we'll drink it if it's coffee. And although fair trade, organic coffee is great, as is the expensive, frothy kind; we really just want some, so we'll take what we can get.

Basically coffee is like oxygen to us. We need it to live and because of that, we are immune to the caffeine (for the most part) and that's probably because Red people brew our coffee with more water than grounds, at home, on a $6.00 coffee machine from Walmart. Watered down coffee serves two purposes, 1. It's not as strong = less caffeine and 2. It lasts longer. And when you make it with 2% milk from a 4 gallon jug and white sugar from a soup bowl stirring with a big ass spoon, you have at cup of Rez coffee perfect for visiting...

# 7 White Socks

To be precise; crisp and bleached, white sweat sock. With black jeans and black shoes. I think it's because we jig and you can see our fast moving feet a whole heck of a lot better. Michael Jackson ain't got nothing on us, we knew what was up long before he came along.

You can see this fashion trend at a Manitoba social. At first you can't tell because everyone is sitting down and they all kinda look the same.
But, here's how to spot a Red person who particularly likes this kind of thing:
They are decked to the nines.
Hair did, tucked in dress shirt (in any colour,) black leather jacket, black jeans or dress pants with matching black leather shoes and belt.
The men will also be wearing their shiniest watch.
The ladies will have their faces done up, be wearing ALL their rings that will match the metal hardware on their purses and belts (haha that's right ladies, we know what you're up to, see: Matching.)

OH BOY! And when the Red River Jig starts up you better back up! Because soon all you'll see is a blur of white near the floor in a sea of black (and Red :P)

My friend MJ, (not to be confused with Michael Jackson, because 1. she's a chick and B. insert obvious joke here.) Tells me that the best place to see this fashion phenomenon is in Norway House (HOLLA!) Finest white sock jiggers this side of...well...Sagkeeng anyway.
Ah, but you thought white socks served us with only one purpose did you not? Wrong. More about that later.

# 6 Pronouncing things as they are spelled.

Examples: Bombardiere - BOMB-a-DEER.

We know that's not how it's pronounced and we know their snowmobiles are not actually deer bombs (but that would make our stereotyped hunter/gatherer existences interesting wouldn't it?) We say it that way because it pisses you off (see: Sarcasm.)

True Story:
"Hey, Space Cowgirl, there is a cool exhibition that I want to check out. They have a fair, a midway, a rodeo, entertainment and shows and all this different food. We should do a road trip! It looks like fun." (This is state side, not York Boat Days. Norway House HOLLA!)
"Sounds cool, where'd you hear 'bout this Dad?"
"Read it in a newspaper at work."
"Alright then, let's go. Where is it?"
"Oh, it's in Tuck-son, Arizona."
*stifled laugh* "Where Dad?"
"TUCK-son!"
"Ooooooh. Do you mean TOO-sahn?"
"No. I mean Tuck-son."

To this day he says Tuckson, even though he knows a little part of me dies every time he says it that way.

What I'm trying to say is that we are socialized to this from a very young age. Not only are we socialized to the literal pronunciation part, but also to the continuous mispronunciation part. Saying words incorrectly when you're around is done because we're actually putting your uppity, pious, snooty ass into place, by using both pronunciation and sarcasm to double burn you. This also goes for singing the wrong song lyrics, and calling bands, books or restaurants by the wrong, yet similar sounding name. That's right. So, the next time you point it out to a Red person, be prepared to be annoyed. Because your attempt to make things better, will actually make things worse - for you.